3,231

That is the number of pictures of I have just in my "My Pictures" file that I have created for just that. It is my file of pictures of our families, the kids, friends...you know...the pics we all have. For the computer nerds (like myself) that is 2.52 GB!! That's not all!! In my "Business" file I also have lists of pictures. Everything from the wedding I recently did, to my friends baby pics I've done, and so forth. You get the picture. (haha, no pun intended) So in that file I have 2,727 pics or 1.69 GB. That is BAD!! I usually go in much more often than I have and clear out the pictures by burning them to disc. Well obviously it has been awhile. I think it was around February when I did it last. I knew that I had a LOT of pictures that needed to be cleaned out but I had no clue it was that many. I don't think I'll be letting that happen again. I'm not even close to being done burning them and making sure they are marked and organized. It's going to take me a couple of days. I have the files organized, but you can only fit so many onto disc and so I have to break it down even more than I already have. Yeah for me! That's what I get for taking so long. Not to mention that my poor computer has been running slow and it's no wonder. It's way overloaded!

That has been my brain as well for the past few days. My head and heart have been pretty heavy with just "stuff". I think I am still dealing with some off and on depression which I believe is stemming from having Merci. This is nothing I'm not accustom to. About 9 months after having Camden I began feeling "blah". It was nothing I could not tolerate but I just hating not feeling like myself. It was not all the time but every so often I'd get into a funk and it would be a few days before I'd feel like myself again. About about 2 or 3 months of feeling like that off and on I went to my family Dr. who agreed that it was probably postpartum. Side note here, I did not know that you can experience postpartum any time within the first year after a baby is born. It is not just in the first few months. Anywhoo, the Dr. put me on Paxil CR and I took it for two days and had terrible, terrible feelings of something terrible happening to me and my family, I felt anxious, and sweaty. All after just two days worth of pills. It was the worst thing I have ever, ever experienced in my life. I have vowed to never go through that again. I suffered from panic attacks for months after that. I called my Dr. immediately and told I quite taking them and I did not want help from drugs. He told me I did the right thing and he has supported me in dealing with it naturally. Which in time, it went away and I went back to myself. Fast-forward to about 5 months ago. I began feeling "blah" again. This was right around the same time as it was with Camden. I knew really knew in my heart what was happening but I tried to deny it. Though a lot happened in my life right around the same time that could have made just about anyone depressed, I just knew that it was more than all the circumstances going on in my life at that time. Since then life has pretty much been back to normal and yet every so often I find myself back in that "funk". I am thankful that I have been able to manage it on my own (only by God's grace!). It's hard when you are in the midst of it because you, or should I say, I feel alone. I know that what my mind is telling me is untrue, but it nonetheless tries to play tricks on me, to make me believe I am alone, that no ones there or cares. Please do not miss interpret what I'm saying. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just for whatever reason need to share this. Today was difficult. The first half of the day was pretty normal. But then that cloud came over me after a simple accident with Camden in the bathroom and from there it just went down hill. By the time dinner time was over I was just ready to go to bed, pull the covers over my eyes, and not be bothered by any one for any reason. That is not me. And that is the part that angers me the most about days like this. It is not like me to feel this way or to think this way. Though I know, even right in the moment, that it will pass I can't help feeling the way that I do. It's so frustrating because I do not feel like this on a day to day basis. It will just come out of no where. After a few days, sometimes even just one day, that feeling lifts and I'm back to myself. My prayer is that the struggle is short and that the time of this cloud being permanently gone is soon. My heart goes out to those, like my sisters, who struggle with this on a permanent basis. God's grace and mercy is good and I am sure that we would not make with out Him.

Well my intentions really were not to pour out my heart like this, but it has helped lighten the load. I can't believe I'm still up to be honest. Oh wait! It may have something to do with my new addiction. McDonald's Iced Coffee. Oh my, it's bad, bad, bad. It's only $1.99 for a large, which is huge. I was in need of some down time earlier and I left for awhile. I stopped and picked one up on my way home. So, yeah that is why I'm still up.

Note to self...Don't drink a large iced coffee after 7:00 p.m.

I'm going to go try to finish up my book. I'm only about 30 pages from finishing and maybe I can finish up before turning. To those who read this, thanks for taking the time to read and understand me just a little better. I hope everyone has a great Thursday!