Truth be told...

I can not believe the silence! My home is so peaceful, unheard of typically during this time of day. School is usually the top event; coloring pages, cutting and gluing of pictures, dancing 3 1/2 year old, sing of silly educational songs. But today...silence. The smell of coffee brewing fills my kitchen as I sit at my favorite spot of all, my kitchen table. Right by the window where I can see out and see peaks of blue sky and sun. I sit...in silence. My children are worn out for we've been busy these days. So this morning when the awoke with grabby attitudes and somber faces, Daddy and I sent them off to bed for a mid-morning nap. And now...IT IS SILENT!

I am basking in the moment, for these moments in the Kidd home are few and far between. And truth be told? I'd have it no other way. But today, I'm thanking God for the silence. I was having a rough morning and the Lord knew I need some peace. I am thankful that He is blessing not only myself but my children with some much needed peace.

I've been spending time thinking a lot lately. Mostly because I believe God is stirring up some great things within my heart and the heart of my husband. I believe something GRAND is about to come forth. What? I have no clue. But do I feel it's coming nonetheless? Absolutely!

See, truth be told, we may look like your typical family. We most certainly love each other immensely. We are extremely bonded and have been blessed beyond measure. We are healthy and happy. But beneath the superficial, outer appearances there lies a deep struggle for both my husband and I.

We are so happy to have each other for many reasons. God truly knew we were a perfect match (though we have our days were I'm sure we both question how perfect of a match we are). Unfortunately we have certain things in common that I wish we did not. Beneath the happiness lies a husband with chronic tiredness that is beyond his control (narcolepsy). There also lies a mind with thoughts that he can not control without the assistance of medication(OCD). Beneath all the happiness lies a wife who's been so controlled by fear her entire life she has been held bondage, fearful of going anywhere (anxiety). There also lies a large amount of insecurities never to have been let go of. See, we may look like a typical family, but beneath it all, we're pretty messed up.

It's been difficult for many years trying to "push past" these things. To work through it, trying our best to "make it work". But for me, personally, I wasn't willing to surrender. I fought for months, years, feeling as though I had to deal with my issues on my own. Even going as far as to not tell my husband (whom I tell everything to) what was going on inside my head. But recently God broke through to the inner most parts of both of hearts. We both have come to realize that we can no longer allow these issues to control our lives. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I had been so wrapped up in dealing my issues on my own that I have pushed away the very ones who want to help, all because I felt I had to do it on my own. And yet, all the while feeling as though there was no one. HELLO?!! God had to get to me first and show me what I was doing was pushing everyone, including Him away. I have always known that God is everything. For years I claimed that He was my everything. But He wasn't. I wasn't trusting Him...at all. I was taking on the burden that He never meant for me to carry on my own. He wants to carry it for me. He has sent those who love me to help carry it for me. But, I in my stubbornness, refused and tried to do it all on my own. Well, that has come to a crashing stop. I have realized that I need to fully rely on God's strength and not my own. I have learned a very hard lesson these past few months.

I am finding that my peace, strength, and confidence lies in He who lives in me. Hebrews 10:35 says "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded." I have learned that that without Christ I can do nothing (John 15:5). But through Christ I can do all things (Phillip. 4:13) I have given up trying to walk through this on my own. And I am seeing the rewards already. The fear every day is farther and farther from my mind. The enemy knows that my mind is my weakness so I know that the battle is far from over. But I know that the war surely has already been won.

I find that there is such freedom in truth. That is why I felt to share this. I believe it's all apart of the process. I thank you my bloggy friends for reading and praying. There are great things to come. I have hope, for my hope lies in Him!

^"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23