Moving Forward...

Oh blogging! How I've missed you! ;)

I can't believe that I've gone since March without blogging! Gone are the days when I could blog just about every day. We've been so very busy and sadly I'm barely on my computer. These days my time on the computer is only for "work" related things or to pay bills.  But I think about blogging often. I have had things on my heart that I've wanted to share, I've had photos I've wanted to post, and I have simply just wanted to check in.  I can't promise that I will be back to blogging every day, but I do want to try to ease back into the blog world.


Lately it's been on my heart to share where life has been taking me. It's quite hard to put into words the things that God has done in my life over the past year. For most, you may not see it to simply look at me, but inwardly my life has change dramatically. The part I feel I need to share the most about is the misconception that many have of who I am.  Let me explain.

For much of my life I have spent it living it out by doing what I felt I was supposed to by what other taught me in church, by what I believed others expected me to be, or simply by trying to be someone I was not.  I would float between friends trying to find my identity. I would try to be someone I was not, all for the sake of finding who I am.  But in the process I simply lost my focus on my Creator and what He had already created in me to be.  Through the years, especially recent years, I've done things to protect myself.  In the past I had an attitude of protection in order to guard myself from getting hurt. I really didn't know how to trust. Coming from a broken home, my trust in people was pretty small. But surprisingly I was naive and had a desire to trust and got myself hurt because of it. So I then became that much more guarded. I went back and for between wanting to trust and trusting in those who would hurt me. I then began to just pull back all together. At the time that I began to realize all of this about myself, my husband began his biggest battle with OCD (compounded with Narcolepsy). My focus at the time had been on changing these parts of who I was, trusting God to reveal to me the areas that needed change and believing He would walk me through it. But quite frankly it was overshadowed by the valley my husband was in. My focus had to be redirected.  I needed to be there for him.

 So in recent years I became guarded because of circumstances in my life and my husbands life that needed to be worked through. Many people have misunderstood. Many have been hurt (but not intentionally). But nearly none have/had known what we were going through. It was an EXTREMELY difficult time. It was a time that could have easily broken our marriage but instead simply made it stronger. But it definitely came at a cost. As mentioned, many have misunderstood. I've had many walk away without ever trying to understand. I've had many who in there best attempts to understand tried to be there. And then there were some who just did what they could by praying for us. We CHOOSE to work through it and focus on each other. In no disrespect of those we loved, we had to take our minds off of everyone else and be there for each other. I had to. It was that or risk losing over 10 years of hard work in our marriage. I would have never walked out. NEVER. But what we battled could have caused us to simple break down and fall apart. Thank God for His provision. He gave one strength when the other was weak. And because of that we were able to work through it all. Years of OCD and depression, years of fears and anxiety, and the toll that it all took on our marriage. My marriage had to come first. And I'm sorry that others around us were hurt by that, but it was necessary.

For the past 9 months or so we have been in place of freedom. Through many years of struggle, we've finally come to our mountain top. I feel like a different person. And I believe it's because of all that we went through.  I think, for me, I needed to go through what we did to bring me to a better place of being able to see myself for what I was, a phony. A person who was trying to be someone I was not. I needed to be broken. I needed to completely pliable so that the Potter could work with me and mold me. And through all the heartache, the struggles...I wouldn't change a thing! The person I am now is not who I once was and I love who I am.  I know that I am worth something. I know that I have a purpose. And I have been diving deeper into who I believe I am. It's amazing to me that the more I've surrendered over to the Lord, the more freedom I've been experiencing. And the biggest lesson I've learned? You can't please everyone and you only have to please one...the Lord! I can't be what others want me to be.  I need to be me. And I am.

In this I'm moving forward with a whole new outlook on my life. My approach is to love everyone with grace, to serve the Lord with all of my heart (in everything that I do), and be the best me that I can be. I have to except that I will make mistakes. But I know that my God is a God of grace and mercy and when I do make mistakes He is there to help me back up. And I know that God will place the right people in my life who will love me for me. I'm thankful for all that I've gone through. Had I not, I don't know that I would have ever come to place I am now. The old me is behind me and though I know that the old me will try to creep it's icky head at times, God will help guide me away from falling back into that person. I'm determined to continue on the path of His righteousness. And I know that trusting in the Lord, He will direct my (our) path. Proverbs 3:5-6 (This scripture has been the foundation of Mike and I's relationship for nearly 17 years!)

As for Mike, though I do not want to speak for him, I can tell you he too is in a MUCH better place than he has been in for years! He is the Mike we all know and love but had been covered in icky depression and OCD for years. I am so thankful that with God's strength he has been pulled out of the muck he was stuck in for so long. We both have learned that some of these things we may battle off and on our whole lives. Because short of God stepping in and performing a miracle on either one of us and our issues, it is part of our chemical make-up. The things he and I both battle are part of our physiological make-up. But recognizing this was the first step and next was doing what we could do deal with it. Armed with the right tools, we now know how to press on and move forward.

And this song has been my anthem!






So that's it in a nutshell. Boy, I could go on for a long time. There are so many more things that go along with this but I would be here typing all day. I'm actually surprised that I've had enough time today to type this much! Who knows, I may even have enough time to post another later today with some updated pics of the kiddos! But don't hold your breath. ;)

I'm so thankful for each of you who have stuck around and read my blog for all these years. And I'm thankful for the new friends I've picked up along the way! 

Have a fabulous day friends! Until next time...TTFN