Life has a way of taking us in many different directions. Some paths in life lead us towards successful victories while others lead us towards heartache. If there's one thing I've learned thus far on my journey, it's that we need to except that we walk them both and many in between.
The last few years of my life have been interesting. Challenging would be more like it. Though I could have had to walk much darker paths, the last few years have not been the brightest either. On the outside others may see the blessings that have come in the form of a new job position for my husband and a new home that we were able to fix up and suit our family's needs. Many may have seen a smile on my face as my children entered their first year of school. But just below the surface of the blessings and smiles was a heart broken and torn. A spirit struggling not to get sucked into the darkness of depression. It's amazing what a smile can cover up.
My life felt like it had been ripped out from under me. I felt like just as one piece of my life was mended another was being broken. I was juggling so many balls all at once, trying to keep from any one of them falling. But I am no juggler and before long the balls began to fall. I could list a good number of things that contributed to the demise of my juggling career. But the greatest of these was:
1. Losing someone I loved.
2. Moving from the home I loved so much.
3. Losing a friendship that was the closest to me.
Many of those who will read this have experienced one or even all of these things in your own life. For me, it was all of these and so many more little twists and turn on the path I was on that sent me into something I've never experienced before.
The darkness that I began to experience was depression. Now, anyone who knows me well knows that I have struggled with anxiety for a good number of years. And even though it has never completely disappeared, I've been able to manage and move forward with a full life. Due to the bouts of anxiety that I would experience, depression would occasionally come as a secondary "issue" to my anxiety. But the feeling of depression were stemming from the anxiety attacks and would be fairly short lived, last only a few hours to maybe a few days. But I would always "bounce back". About mid-summber 2014 though, I was sinking deeper into the darkness and was not bouncing back. I kept thinking I was going to get over the hill of depression, but gave myself grace knowing that I was still walking the path that was leading me out of the life experiences I had just been through. I continued to sink deeper into the depression. I was withdrawn from all that I loved. I could not reach out to my family and the few friends in my life because I was not only depressed but I was in denial that I was. I kept trying to put on this happy exterior so that maybe, just maybe it would one day be true. This went on for over a year. And then one day I realized I had not bounced back and a year of my life was gone and I felt I had nothing at all to show for it.
There was no "ah-ha" moment. I couldn't even tell you the day or how I came to the realization, but it happened. One day about 5-6 months ago I realized that I was not myself and I no longer wanted to stay in that dark place. One morning specifically, I awoke at 4:00 a.m. unable to go back to sleep. Laying in bed wide awake, I did what I always do when that happens...I prayed. I just began asking God to help me. I told Him I no longer wanted to carry the burden of depression. I told Him I wanted to work through the hurts and loss that I had experienced. I told Him that I was giving it all over to Him. That's not easy for me to do because by nature I feel I have to always be the one to fix things. I know that God is more than capable to His work without me getting in the way. But that's one of my downfalls. I like to get in God's way of doing things in my life because I feel I have to do it for Him. But I agreed to let go of the control and just let Him do the work on my heart. I realized I just had to willingly participate. I began pursuing my relationship with God that much more. I decided to let go of anything that was in the way of me getting onto a better path in my life. I even decided to close my (however small it was) photography business. I then began to force myself out of the house. I started putting myself out there more. You see, acknowledging that I was struggling wasn't enough. I knew I had to do something about it in order for it change. I had to realize that there is NO shame in what I was experiencing and I no longer had to hide. Psalm 56:3 says "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You." I knew that I needed to put my trust in the on who was guiding my steps ("The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23).
Some may ask why I am choosing to expose this part of my life for others to see. And my answer to that is two fold. The first being that I want to be as transparent as I can so that others can see Jesus in me. I'm only free because He has set me free! Secondly, my hope is that by sharing my heart and my struggle I can help even just one know that they are not alone. Depression is isolating. According the Anxiety and Depression Association of America "Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S. affecting 40 million adults in the United States..." And yet many feel alone. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, take the first step and reach out. Just opening your heart to one person can ease the weight of depression. DO NOT suffer in silence. Do not feel you need to walk alone.
I'm not on top of the mountain just yet. I'm still walking the path that has led out of the valley of depression. But I know soon enough I'll be standing on the mountain top rejoicing that I've made it through!
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