Less the Stress

Wow, I am much more behind in blogging than I realized. There has been so much that I have wanted to comment on and have not had the time. I've wanted to post a real post for weeks now but just haven't had the time and/or mental energy to do so.

I don't believe it is depression, but for a week or so I just overwhelmed with so much that I have sort of backed off from everyone and everything. I have been focusing much of private time, if there is any, on spending it with God. I have realized that over the last year and 1/2 my life has been a tizzy of one event after another. Beginning with the miscarriage, my uncle passing away (whom my father was close too, which was difficult to see him grieve), dealing with financial insecurities, to becoming pregnant and sick for three months, right into almost losing my brother, my mother falling and being in rehab for 8 weeks, to moving, then having a baby, adjusting to life with two children, to having my grandmother pass away (dealing with the issue of never really knowing her and the lose of not just her but the lack of relationship), to almost losing my niece in the car accident, to almost losing my brother at his own hand (yes, it was my brother who tried to take his own life), to my mother-in-law falling ill. There was so much more to all of that, but you get the idea. I listed all of that not out of wanting empathy/sympathy but out of my own reflection. I just simply went about everything as if I was going to be alright. Which I am, don't get me wrong. But, from the beginning I never really gave myself the chance to grieve when I needed to, to be angry when I needed to feel angry, etc.... I think I was too focused on everyone else to really tend to my own emotions. So now, I am left feeling like a balloon that has been blown up and all the air has been let out of - all out of sorts. I have been trying to take those moments with God to walk through each situation and ask myself if there are unresolved emotions that I need to deal with. In each one I have and I am grateful that God has brought this to my attention so that I can move on and be a better person because of it all. Many years ago God gave me a "vision", so to speak, about our trials in life. God showed me that my life is like a piece of clay, something we have all heard before. But He showed me my life in the process in which clay goes through to become something beautiful. First the clay is molded, something that is not easy to do, it has to be worked sometimes over and over with firm hands to come together. Once that piece of clay is molded it needs to go through the fire to be set. The fire is the worst part in my opinion, but it burns away all of the impurities and sets this fine piece into it's shape. And finally, the final touches are put on with gentle hands. Loving hands. And you know what the best part of that vision was? God showed me that no matter how others see that piece of work (i.e. vase, cup, pot), even if it is as ugly as ugly gets to someone else, that piece of work is more beautiful to the Master's eye. So each trial that we go through is that molding and fire and once I am through it all I will be what my Master has created me to be. It's not a fun process. I am willing though and as I said, I am grateful that God has brought these unresolved issues to my attention so that I continue this process.

Other than that, life has been pretty normal. Mike has really been struggling with the OCD and narcolepsy stuff this week. He finally just called off work today to go get the blood test that he need to have done. He's had to have it done for months now but because of work has been unable to find the time. He is now officially on 6 days until probably June, so the only way to get it done was to call off. He's sick of feeling tired all the time and his Dr. has wanted this blood test done because there is now found to be a gene that is connected to narcolepsy and he wants to see if Mike has it (or lack there of, I can't remember which it is). The kids are doing amazing. Did I say amazing? They are more than a amazing! Merci has cut her first two teeth, at the same time, on the bottom. She has done it all like a champ. She has been rolling over for a couple of weeks but is now scooting her way around. She loves to be right where Camden is, where ever that maybe. Camden is getting over an ear infection but is his bubbly old self again. He is wanting so much to learn and we think we actually start him with the homeschooling next fall (2008). He knows his phone number, most of his address, he knows and can point to at least a half a dozen states on the map, he can count to 30 with no help, and can count to 10 in Spanish. He is like a sponge that kid. Sorry for the little brag there, I just can't help but be proud.

For Easter this year we opted to stay home. With much talk about church that has been flying around here lately, it sort of fell into what brought us to our decision. Not because of what has been discussed but what has been discussed among the blogs has just spoken to my heart as well as Mike's on where we are in finding a church body to call home. Though we have off and on attended a great church we have never really felt it was "home". This year as Easter drew closer the more I dreaded the thought of going. Not because I did not want to celebrate the rising of God's son who He sent just for me, but because any more I feel as though the Easter celebration is more about the fashion show and candy baskets than about Christ's death and resurrection. I am not saying this is across the board in all churches or that it is even where the hearts of all the people are. But I was not about to dress myself and children in their "Sunday's best" and parade around all morning just because it was Easter. Mike and I wanted our son to understand what Easter was about and we felt that the best way was to teach him first through us and then let him see it through others. So we made the decision that Saturday night we'd give him his Easter basket, something I want to continue as a tradition but not the main focus. By doing it Saturday night it would be less likely to take the focus off of the real celebration. So Sunday morning we got out his children's bible and the book My Utmost for His Highest for Children. I must preface this by saying that neither Mike or I have every really sat Camden down prior to this point to explain this, being that he is so young. As we began to talk to him, we asked him if he knew what today was...his response was "EASTER!". I then asked him if he knew what Easter was all about and he again responded "Yes, it's about Jesus". We then asked him if he knew what happened with Jesus and he said "Yes, Jesus' is alive!". My eyes began to well and I could feel the flood of emotion. Without ever sitting him down and explaining, just by what we have read in story and lived in our lives he some how knew. We then continued the morning with the whole story of how Jesus came to take away our sins, all the wrong things we do and say. And that when He died, He came back so that we could live one day forever with Him. We explained that He wants to live in our hearts and to help us, that all we need to do is ask. For only being three years old, I was so moved at how much he understood. We then watched the children's version of the Jesus movie. Though I think it would have been more suited for 5 and up, he did watch a good portion of it. In all of this I want to say that I have no regrets in our decision. Though I know some may disagree with our point of view, that is OK. But I did not need to be in a church building for my son to understand what Easter is all about. Mike and I actually believe that He may have gotten a better grasp on it by learning it at home with us the way that he did. I am not for or against being involved in a church, I just know one thing is for sure, my son knows who God is and he does understand that God wants to be his friend and live with and inside of him. To me that is the most important part. We finished off the day with a dinner I prepared for us...your traditional ham, potatoes, etc... It was good to be with my family for the day. I am happy to see my son growing and learning. That was the best of the whole day.

Well, I need to go. My baby girl is waking and I have laundry that needs folding. I will be sure to post again soon. I hope my laptop is back to working order soon. In the meantime, I hope all are doing well. TTFN

-Sorry for the terrible grammar and spelling!