Difficulties

Tonight has been a test of both my patience and my strength. I had a moment of breaking down while alone in the bathroom and now I'm OK. It was over nothing severe or terrible, I simply felt overwhelmed. I do not have moments like this one often. But, I needed to shed some much need tears. I love my family to pieces and would give anything for them. At times, I sacrifice much of myself to tend to their needs and demands. Tonight was no different except that I had been pushed to the breaking point. What is most difficult is when it is not just your children who demand your love and support but it is also your husband because he, himself, is having a difficult time. This past week or so has been tough as far as Mike's OCD is concerned. I am sure he would be OK with me sharing this, as he himself would if he could. It (the OCD) robs him of his time and energy so much so that it plays an effect on the rest of us. Which is the very thing that happened tonight. I ran to get some groceries before all the snow that is supposed to come arrives. Upon my return I needed to make something for Camden and I to eat. From the start of putting away the groceries to the time that I took my last bit of dinner Merci pretty much screamed and cried. She too, was hungry and wanted to eat so she could go to bed. Mixed into it all was a son who was hovering around the kitchen asking multiple questions about dinner and though he was not doing anything wrong, he was just in the way. All awhile my husband is fighting whatever it is that is going on in his head unable to help. Even though I know that he at times such as this, is mentally unable to concentrate on anything, I get frustrated. Not so much at he himself, but the OCD. Again, this is not an every day occurrence, but when these times do happen I find myself breaking down. I am so grateful to have a husband who is involved and helps raise our children and does not but all if on me (when he is not being beat down by the OCD). More than anything I wish that there was something that I could do that would make it go away or at the very least make it easier. But I learned a long time ago that I can't. For whatever reason, God has allowed this to continue on. I can't help but wonder why, after 11 years of dealing with this, God has not just healed him of it. But I also know that God said that the "step of a righteous man are ordered of God" and that when we "trust in the Lord with all of hearts...He will direct our paths". (The Bethy translation) That last scripture, Proverbs 3:5-6 has been our scripture ever since we began dating. I still hold close to that scripture even now as I see him struggle. I do believe that it is going to change. A change is coming. I hold out hope that it will be soon.

I feel bad even making an issue out of my petty little frustrations when the rest of my family has had much bigger struggles which make mine seem so meager. My oldest niece, Danni, who is like a sister to me, was in a terrible car accident last weekend. She actually had been in a car accident earlier that week, where she was hit broad (sp?) side pulling out near her home. Her car was totaled and she was then driving her parents Jeep. Just a few days after the first accident, she over compensated the wheel and rolled the Jeep like four times. The window was down and some time during the roll her fingers where crushed. Her index finger had to be amputated around the middle knuckle, the middle finger was also amputated below where the fingernail would be. They were able to reattach her ring finger's nail and fix it. I am just so grateful she is alive. Then, just after we got word of all of this with Dani, my other sister calls me to tell me they had to rush my niece Bethany, who is almost 9, to the hospital where it was later found out she has bronchitis, pneumonia, and croup. She was one sick little girl. Then her dad just a couple of days later also came down with bronchitis. The poor guy is still grieving the lose of his dad from just two weeks ago. Just as I thought things were looking up I find out that my brother got in trouble with the law. What exactly happened I don't know, I just know that some people saw it in the paper and word got back to me. I really don't have the nerve to call anyone to find out what he did. Probably something stupid like he always does. I probably would not be saying anything about it but since it was in the paper it is public news. New in which I am defiantly not proud of. I then get a phone call today from my sister (the same sister with the niece who's been sick) to tell me that she need me to pray for my nephew, Bethany's brother Josh, because he had fallen and hit his head this morning and now he doesn't recognize anyone and he is seeing double. Long story short, she took him to the hospital where they found he had a mild concussion. I guess he is going to be fine they just have to keep an eye on him and wake him every few hours to make sure he is OK tonight. Phfff. This last couple of months have been a real test on my entire family's strength and faith. So again, my little break down can not compare to what someone else is going through. It is in those moment I break down that I remind myself of such things. I can then pick myself up, dust off my frustrations and move on. I can let it get the best of me, but I know I can overcome it. I am glad that I can come to such a place as this to express myself. It helps to release some things that weigh me down. Though I don't know that I could totally put myself all out there, it is good to know I can express what I can.

Amazingly, everyone is in bed or is asleep somewhere. My hubby is on the couch but the kids are in bed. It has been pretty quiet here for the last 45 minutes. For this I am thankful. I think I may work on a few things before I turn in for the night. Until next time, keep warm and safe for the snow is a comin'!!