Back to the basics....

I've been struggling a lot these past several months. Lots of internal questioning and searching. Not searching deep enough to be completely honest. God and I have had a lot of talks. Mostly venting on my end. And not enough answers, for my earthly mind, in return. Never have I, nor will I turn from what is in my heart which is the truth of God's love. I know He loves me and I do not doubt He has a real plan for my life. What I've been struggling with the most is the waiting. Waiting for answers, waiting for change, waiting..waiting...waiting. I know that we may NEVER have the answers. That we many NEVER get the change that WE/I want. I'm trying my very best to be patient but I'm struggling to keep the search going.

Deep in my heart I know that answers, mostly, come back to me. I know that I could be doing so much more. I guess you could say that there has been a sense of rebellion to some degree. Basically, a few months ago I threw up my hands and said I give up trying to work at this. Not right I know. So I've been gliding along just making it by. This is NOT how I want to live my life and I know God wants so much more from me. I'm standing at that proverbial door, waiting for God to open it to what He has for me. But really, all I have to do is step forward, turn the handle and see for myself. I've battled within myself letting go. And I have finally come to place where I know it's time. There has been no great light that has shown on me revealing this great revelation. I haven't had a spoken word given to my by God Himself saying what I need to do. I just know within me. God has spoken to my heart and I know it's time to move on.

This past year has been hellish to say the least. Anyone who has battled with panic/anietey issues can relate to where I've been. I've wanted so much relief that I've cried out countless times "Why me?" "Why do I have deal with this?" "Why now?" But I can't figure out the answers . BUT, I'm realizing that I do not NEED to try to figure out the answers. I need to accept that God wants to work on my heart reguardless of whether or not I have all the answers. I may not need the answer I feel I need to come through this. What I DO need is to trust Him and not myself. I know without a doubt that I will not forever be this way. It has been promised to me by God Himself!

So here I am making a new beginning. I'm focusing more on my relationship with the Lord and my time spent with Him. I also feel like I am to be more true to who I am in this process. Not that I have been fake my entire life, but I have never fully let myself be who I feel I am. I've always been more of an artsy person, even dare I say, funky at times. I've been inhibited by what others would think of me my entire life. Well, not any more. That is why I've been playing around more with my hair color. And shock of all shocks, I plan to get my nose pierced (just a little diamond stud). And I will also get a tattoo! I've already got it picked out. I'm letting myself be more creative. Not just in my photography but in other areas of my life. I painted my first painting this week and I felt so free in doing it!

Here is to steps forward. Here to letting the search be over and just be! Here is to leaving God's work up to Him. Here's to being FREE!!!

So until next time my friends...TTFN