Who Am I To Jugde?

I know that lately I've been been pouring my heart out about the work that I feel God is doing in my life. But in all actuality, what I have spoken of here on my beloved blog is nothing compared to the reality of what is taking place. I can't even explain it and so I haven't been adquite in my words. There are quite a few things in my life that are being pulled out and replaced (on a spiritual and emotional level). As you continue to read, please know that by no means do I expect those of you to agree. This has been a great way for me to express myself, just for me. I would never pass my convicitions off on any of you. So please bear that in mind as you read.

I confess that through this process I haven't been able to convey what my heart is feeling. I have been stuffing things down out of fear. I have been afraid to take a stand on how I feel. But, I know that the boldness that I long for is not that far off. I have been gaining a better sense of when to speak and when to hold back. There is a line to a song called "Dear Marianne" that has been my prayer to God lately and it says "Many times I say too much, other times not enough. Where do I find that fine line?". I know that God sees my heart's intent, but those in my life can't see what he sees. So I have had to learn wait on him to show me those times when to speak. But lately I haven't even spoke in those time where I felt that I should because that old fear got ahold of me. Well today some of the things that I've been convicted on came bursting out of me in the oddest of circumstances. I was watching a show with Mike and there happened to be a Christian family who was apart of the show. One of the family members made a comment about praying over a simple thing, asking for God to help them. I knew what was coming and my mouth closed tight. Mike made a comment that I was totally expecting and I just burst out with a comment back that he was totally not expecting. The details are not important, but I assure you it was by no means an arguement or anything of that sort. I just knew the comment he was going to make was going to touch on a part of me that has been sensitive lately. That particular issue is judement and criticizim. I have been so frustrated with myself because through the course of the last few years I've been judgmental and critical of my fellow christians. It has been as though God has "called me out on it" recently. It happened to be that what Mike said was typical of conversations we've had in the past. But it was different tonight because I was convicted about that kind of talk. It wasn't like Mike was saying anything bad about what the woman said. He just comment on how foolish it sounded to pray for something so silly. And though I agreed to a certain extent, I thought "but who am I to judge". Saying something smart about what she was doing was ridiculous. What good was it? And more importantly, how would I feel if I over heard someone say something like that about me? Aren't we suppost to be respectful of one another? I know that the woman on the TV could not hear us, but it was the principal. If we could sit and judge someone who is a christian on TV, who's to say those same kind of things aren't going to come out around other people, christians or not. I just have been feeling as though making those kind of comments of someone is being too critical. There are so many other more important issues to focus on than why some Christians do what they do. For instance, so what if someone wants to pray for an open parking space when they're at the mall. I may not choose to do that, but what good would it be for me to say something in response to those who do? I would gain nothing. I want to be respectful. I have judged to quickly in my life. I have been too critical as well. I was so caught up in a certain way of believing for so many years. Now I want to live a healthy christian life that is an example. For me, that means setting aside all critisism and judgement in order to do so. That was today's life lesson. The life lesson that will take a life time to master. I know that it will not be fully mastered here, but I will stive towards that goal until then. Please bear with me as I go through this process. I am a work of art that is in the begining stages of it's form.