Many Thoughts

I have a mind full of things that I could blog about. But the more I think, the more I know how much time it would take up to try and express it all. I will try my best to sum up the most recent thoughts and leave the others for another time.
I realized last night that I have many fears. Too many to list actually. Fears that I have never admitted to myself let alone any other person. My husband being so perceptive, picked up on the fact that something was bothering me last night. We had company; Auntie, Uncle Frank, and Palo, over for a visit and as much as I enjoyed myself, I was not completely there. For that I apologize. I was struggling the whole night with a fear that has gotten such a hold of me that I have been unsuccessful in shaking it. It is a fear that steams way back to when I was a child. It has been like a shadow that has followed me ever since. This is fear is sickness. Fear of sickness. I have struggled with this for years, as I mentioned. I remember as a kid always worrying that I was going to get sick. Now as an adult it has gotten such a hold on me. There have been times in my life that I have almost had myself convinced that I had something really wrong with me. Something that would ultimately lead to my demise. I worry now about my son and husband as well. So it's not just about me any more. When this fear creeps into my mind I can not control it. It takes over my every thought. It's always lurking around in the back of my mind. Even though I know I'm fine, my mind tries to tell me otherwise. I know this has got to sound crazy to most of you, but it has been difficult for me. I do not struggle with this all the time. It seems it only happens from time to time. It is not something that controls me every day, day in and day out. But when one thought comes in and scares me, it continues down hill. It amazes me that one of my favorite, long running shows is ER. But that too has fed into that fear in the past. I say all of this just simply to admit that I am fearful at times. As I told Mike, even though I know in my heart that I am fine, my head just tries to tell me otherwise. I have, since becoming an adult, taken my health seriously. I see my Dr. and have had blood work done and know that it's a mental issue not a physical. I just want power over those moments that drive me so far away. When I am in those moments in which my mind is going crazy, I don't feel like myself. It's almost like I'm just going through all the motions of my day. This has happened several times over the course of my life. I've never really talked about and I must say it does help. After talking to Mike last night I slept better than I had in days. My only hope is that if someone else reads this and can relate in some way, that I can help them not to feel alone. Feeling alone is exactly how I felt, but talking about it made feel free and much more free from those thoughts. I only had a couple of times today where the thoughts tried to invade my normal thoughts, but it was much easier to push them out. Knowing that Mike knows what I'm struggling with makes me feel more secure. I know that God knows as well. I should say most importantly I know he knows. I know that my trust is in him and that he has control. I have asked God to clear my mind so that these thoughts never invade me again. I hope is that he answers that prayer. The power of ones mind is so great. It would be so nice to have an on/off switch that could be used to just switch off those thoughts that are uninvited. I think I may go talk to someone about it. If talking to God, Mike, and now all of you has helped, maybe speaking to someone would be good. It's hard to reveal apart of yourself to others such as this. But I honestly say that it is freeing. I am so glad to have a circle in which I know I have the security to do so.
I apologize for the ramblings. I just want to be honest in everything I do. I would love to live my life completely see-through. In order to get to a place such as that, I have to have the confidence to do so. This is just one step in that direction.
It's late and I'm finally getting sleepy so I am going to turn in. Thank you for taking the time to read through this confession of fear.