Worth Waiting For?

For those who have been eagerly waiting for me to post my "real" post, I'm afraid that I may disappoint you with this post.

I've had a rough week. I'm glad to be starting a new one.

I actually debated within myself about blogging about my "issues". I hate sounding petty or sorry for myself or desperate for attention. I've been swinging back and forth between this need to feel love and support to wanting nothing more than to be alone. Unfortunately it has been more-so the latter of the two. I've pretty much isolated myself this last week so much so that I've had some people calling and texting me out of concern that I've been offended by them or for some reason have been upset with them. Honestly, that would be too easy of an answer for my lack of communication and my untimely manner in returning calls.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that what I am dealing with is beyond my control. For those who may struggle with this than you understand. This was a tough thing to come to grips with. I am struggling with depression. This is not a "blue" phase. I have been struggling with this off and on for over a year now. I believe it began as some postpartum depression after having Merci. As time went on and circumstances in my life changed, I've noticed that I'm not bouncing back like I have in the past. I've always, I mean always, been able to bounce back from things. I've never hung on to feelings of being "blue" or "depressed". I've never even really known what it feels like to be depressed until this past year. It has been difficult. I've had no interest in things I love. My time with my kids has been more inside than outside and the things we do, do together (such as reading, coloring, painting, etc...) has been very limited. My photography is pretty much non-existent. I love photography as you all know. I have taken very few pictures and have taken on no new projects out of a lack of interest. I am more emotional than I remember being while being pregnant. I'm wanting to just sleep. I am more irritable than I can ever remember being. My poor husband. He has had his own issues to deal with and now he's had to try and figure out with me what it is I'm dealing with. He has been so supportive of me, but I still feel terrible that he has to deal with this on top of everything else.
I have had good days and bad days. This past week, as I mentioned, was not so good. My poor brother and sister-in-law have seen me in rare form. I know that is why my brother took me out the other night. He told me he could sense that I have not been myself.

I want to manage this on my own. I want to believe that with God's help I can overcome this without going on medication (I have NO problem with medication when needed). I had a bad experience with an antidepressant after Camden was born. I was struggling with just a mild case of postpartum and my Dr. put me on a very mild dose of Paxil CR. After only two days worth of doses, I was having terrible thoughts and panic attacks. I suffered from panic attacks for weeks after that. I told myself dealing with any "blue" period in life without medication could never be as bad as dealing with it while on medication that made me feel like I was going to die. I did, I thought I was going to die while taking that medication. I did as my Dr. said, in case that may happen and stoped the meds after only those 2-3 days. I've never struggled enough to even consider going on meds again. That is, until now.

I have family coming in to visit in about 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to it, very much so. I am praying in the meantime that the Lord gives me direction. I'm praying that He touches my body and mind and gives me the strength to overcome this. Be it with medication or without, I pray to come out of this. But if I'm still feeling like this when my family goes home, I'm going to go see my Dr. and I'm OK with that. I just need direction. I have a few natural alternatives that I am also looking into as a start before jumping into believing that I have to be on medication. Again, I'm not opposed to going on medication if that is what it comes down to. I just do not want to experience what I did before. It was horrible, worse than any feelings I'm feeling now.

So as hard as it is for me to even blog about that, it's even harder for me to ask for your prayers. I just do not know what else to do. I do not want to isolate myself any more than I already have. I've been taking steps today to get out of the shelter I've created for myself. So, if you think about it and won't mind saying just a quick prayer for me (and my family) I'd so appreciate it.

Please know that there are some really great things going on in my life. Things that I will save for another post. I have so many good things taking place/about to take place in my life that I want to be able to fully enjoy it. I KNOW I will!

On that note...until next time...TTFN.