Seriously...

I am in a funk.

I don't go into personal things very often. I'm not afraid to share myself, it just doesn't always flow in that direction, if you know what mean.

But this week I can't deny the anxious, jittery feeling that has been nagging at me like you would not believe. I have found myself feeling anxious more than once this week and for no apparent reason. It began Monday on Mike and I's way to our dinner date. We hadn't even gotten 5 miles away from dropping the kids off when it began. I felt like I needed to escape the van. I had to roll down my window and let the cold 30something degree winds distract me. Half way to our destination I felt like passing out, though I knew from past experience I would not. Once we got to dinner, I had to excuse myself from the table and go outside where I no longer felt entrapped to the anxiety that was crushing me. I felt like my head was spinning out of control. Like I might either pass out or worse yet die. I grabbed my phone from pocket and dialed. One of my dearest friends answered, knowing why I was calling as I had texted her on our way asking for her prayers. She has been there. She too struggles with these same issues. She knew how I felt and hearing her reassurance was what I needed to come out of this awful place inside. Thank God for friends like her!

This has happened to me more than once over the course of the past year. It comes on me out of no where for no reason. I know it's anxiety/panic attacks. But what I don't know is why they happen when they do. I mean, for pity sake, I was on a DATE with my husband! Something we've done hundreds of times. Why now? For what reason?

This past year had been the most difficult of my life. Through all that we have gone through I know that this is my bodies way of dealing with the stress. But I'm not under stress now. This has probably been the best 3-4 months we've had in a very, very long time. We have the house we've only dreamed about, we are breaking the financial strong holds that have had us chained, and our family is getting closer than ever. So why now?

I keep asking God for His strength. That is the only thing that I can depend on. I know I may have to seek medical help for this if it continues to this degree. It's gripping. I hate that I can not control the feelings when it happens. I cry out to God to save me. It's torment!

I so am thankful for people in my life that understand. Like the friend who threw the my life-saver on Monday. And my husband who has been where I am, during the beginning stages of his OCD. Which did you know that OCD is an anxiety disorder? So he knows how it feels, he too has been there. When his compassionate eyes looked across at me at that table Monday, I some how felt it was going to be OK.

I know it's going to be OK. It doesn't mean that the process of getting there is fun. I hate it. I no longer what this to happen. I want to gain control over this. Gone are the feelings of depression, but in it's place has been this. I've gotten through the depression, I CAN GET THROUGH THIS!

Thanks for letting me ramble. It feels better just to get it off my chest. ;)