Am I Doing The Right Thing?

I think every parent at one time or another has question themselves on whether they are a good parent or not. Maybe not, but I know that I have, many times. Tonight happen to be one.

As we tucked Camden into bed for the night, we prayed together as we always do. Our normal routine is that after we say prayers, Daddy lays with Camden until he is either close to being asleep or out cold. I, on the other, take that time to clean up toys downstairs or whatever other odds and ends need done. This has been something Daddy started as a way of a little extra time with his little buddy. Well, tonight I kissed Camden goodnight like always and as I was getting up to leave the tears began. "Don't go Mommy, stay." This is where I first began the struggle with questioning myself as his Mommy. I initially told him no, that I was going to go downstairs and that he needed to snuggle with Daddy. This only made matters worse. I tried to explain to him that I could not stay (the floor is an uncomfortable place for someone almost 9 months pregnant). I started to feel terrible for denying my son a little more of his Mommy's time. I then pulled out a pillow and sat myself on the floor next to him, even though Daddy was already asleep just behind him. I sat with my arm up on the bed and Camden was snuggling it as though it was his blanket. This gave more time for me to think about my time with my son. I hated saying no to him, yet I do not want to always give him what he wants just because I feel bad. But when it comes to my time with him, I hate saying no. I really believe that he is sensing the pending arrival of his sister and he wanting more of my time for this reason. But I then started thinking about our daily routine and how much time I really do spend with him. I try each day to set aside some creative time together were we do some type of "crafty" thing together. Be it to color, paint, play with play dough, etc... I try to do something with him that is one on one. When he is playing with his toys and he comes to me and wants me to play, there are too many times where I have had to say, "not right now honey" and ask him to play alone. But why? Because what I am doing on the computer is more important? Or because loading the dishwasher can't wait until he is down for his nap? I struggle with finding that fine line between making down time for me and spending enough time with him that he feels as though I am making an effort. I don't want my children to grow up some day and say to me "I wish you would have taken the time to spend more time with me when I was little." The older Camden gets the harder it is getting to do that because now we will have another child who is demanding our time as well. I want so much to know where that fine line is. I want to know at what point it is OK to say "no" and not feel guilty. Since becoming a mom, I have not felt guilty making time for me when I know that Mike or someone else is with him. But on a day to day basis, where it is just he and I home together, I can't help but feel guilty when he asks of my time. I do say "no", but not without that guilt that rears it's ugly head, just as it did tonight. I hated saying no to staying with him and so I did. I was happy though, that he allowed me to leave after only a few minutes. He is now out cold, snuggled close to his Daddy, while I on the other hand, am down here at my computer trying to figure this out. I'm sorry for such a ramble, but I can't stop wondering. It all comes down to wanting to be the best parent that I possibly can. I know that I will not be perfect and will make mistakes, but I doesn't mean that I do not want to strive not to the best that I can. I love being a mommy and would not trade it for the world. But it is these type of struggles that I wish I had the answer for. I am sure the more time goes by and the better I get at understanding what it is to be a parent, the more the answer will appear clear.