Gaining Ground

I've been walking through some of the muck in my life. The muddy messes that I have created. As I continue to struggle and work my way through, I am finding out more and more about myself. The more I find the more I realize that who I am now is the real me. The person that I have been in the past has been this person whom I thought I had to be. I allowed myself to conform to what I thought was what everyone wanted me to be. With the exception of the times I've been protective of my heart, I was nothing of who I am now. I still have this part of me that is protective of my heart being broken. I am probably more so now then ever. But in this case I don't think it is a bad thing. I was so trusting before and so giving of myself. In turn, I would get hurt and let down. I have to protect myself a little better. It's like a policeman who's wearing his bullet-proof vest but doesn't have it strapped on correctly. Unless it is used properly it's not going to protect to it's fullest extent. It's not that the vest can't be taken off in those times of safety, but when he's in a situation where his heart needs to be guarded he should have it secured in place the way it is supposed to be. That's how I view my heart. I have left it unguarded so many times and been wounded. I now have that vest on protecting my heart. In those times I feel secure I can take it off. I want to be able to take it off more but for now, I wear that around my heart more often than not. There are those few in which I can be safe to take it off or at the very least loosen the straps. I'm gaining ground and I know I am becoming more healthy each day. Each moment that I truly turn over my power to God and let him have control I feel healthier and more secure in who I am. Thank God for his love and mercy. Where would be with out it?