The Power of Words

We all know how powerful our words can be. We know that we have the power of life and death in our tongues. Or do we? Or should I say do I? Again, the simple truths that God has taught me years ago, are now being brought to the forefront of my mind as if they were completely new. I was thinking last night as I was trying to drift off to sleep. I was thinking about a conversation I had about something as simple as music styles and preferences. I was reflecting on my reaction to the conversation. I am sure that my response came across as a bit defensive, which was never my intentions at all (to those who were present, much apologies for that). I had not realized at the time how my words were coming out. Now, not that it is any justification, but I had it inside my mind that if someone commented on my preferences, be it about music, movies, or just life in general, that it was as if they were attacking my character. And though I knew and still know that was never the case, my mind reverts back to past relationships in which it was an attack on my character. Let me explain. I tend to struggle with who I am today because of things that happened in past relationships with people who were "churched" people. Youth group people. People I thought I could trust to be myself with. When I was myself and expressed myself uniquely, I was made fun of and teased. I am not looking for a pity party or sympathy, I am just trying to give those of you who don't know, some background on where I've been. I don't want to bash church's or youth groups because I know that when in healthy leadership there is a great opportunity for learning and growth. I look back now and the things that I struggle with, such as this current issue, bring me back to those hurts I experienced as a teen, in of all places, my church youth group. I then in turn put up walls and became such an extrovert that I hurt others as a result of not wanting to get hurt again. Now as an adult I am still trying to find that line in where it's OK to be myself yet not feel as though when someone disagrees or even "teases" to not take it as a personal attack and just take it for what it is. Please do not think this is the case on every issue. It just seems that certain times in my life it strikes this chord in me that brings up those past issues. Many times I have thought that I have let it go and given it to God. I've said, "OK, God, I'm giving it up and I am letting go" (of the hurt). But, it aggravates me to no end, when someone says something, and up comes those old feeling of being attacked. WHAM!! Up goes those old walls of defense. And it is not because I believe those people who say these thing are doing so to hurt me. They don't even know what is going on inside of me. It has absolutely nothing at all to do with everyone else around me. It's all about me. I am so very tired of those old fleshly issues creeping back up into my life. I know that I am much stronger now and fighting those temptations is a bit easier. But in those few times, like the other night, my old fleshy defenses come up. I don't want to hurt anyone with my word. It is words that hurt me so many times in my life, so why would I want to use them to hurt someone else, intentionally or not? I don't want to be a people please, but I also want to keep peace. I know that it starts within me. Forgive me for the times that my flesh wins and I defend myself even when defending isn't necessary. I am taking this back to God, again. My prayer is that this time I can really let go. I want to release this into God's hands and never take it back. I want to choose my words wisely because the power of our words are so very strong. Once our words are spoken we can never take them back. When can right our wrongs, but we still can not take back the words we've spoken.
I'm sorry for rambling like a fool. I just keep coming back to the heart of who I am and who I want to be. I want to change, to change for the better. I want to own up to my faults and make an honest attempt to change them. I want to love others the way I want to be loved. I care about the true relationships I have and I don't ever want to jeopardize them because of lack of security in myself. I guess it all comes back to my relationship with God and those things that I am lacking in my time communing with Him. Well enough rambling for now. Till later.

Romans VII

-Keith Green-

The very things I hate, I end up doing,
The things I want to do, I just don't do.
Lord it seems do sad, why am I so bad?
When in my heart I only want to be like you.
The very ones I love I end up hurting,
The ones I want to help I pass right by.
Now I want to be, finally set free
The grace you've shown, the love I've known,
Please let it shine through me.
I want to love them, the way you do,
I want to serve them, by serving you
Lord how I know your tender heart must be broken,
By all those unkept promises I've made,
The question still prevails, please take away the doubt,
About how you forgive, and still you live inside when I fail
I want to love them all, the way you do,
I want to serve them, by serving you.
I want to be like you - Jesus I do
I want to love them all, the way you do,
I want to serve them, by serving you