Friday, September 16, 2005
Relationship, What's That?
I don't believe that people, for the most part, understand what "relationship" is. Or maybe it is that I have a warped sense of what relationship is. As I continue to sift through the junk in my life and take out all that is garbage, I keep coming back to relationship. I have been blessed with those few real, genuine people in my life whom I believe are coming at our relationship from the same perspective. But so many people are superficial, something I want to avoid being at all costs. I want to be open and honest and not base my relationships only on those things that lie on the surface. I want to be deeper than that. Sure, common interests are a plus. But it should be more than that. For many years I had thought that a great relationship meant that you had all kinds of things in common and you got along. I now take it so much more serious. Maybe too serious. I have had so many sucky relationships that were never more than the superficial and now that I know what it's like to have healthy, whole relationships, that's all that I want. I have many relationships that are superficial and I would like for some of them to go beyond that, but I know that they may not and I am OK with that. But what I don't understand is why we are so afraid to dive deeper? Why not dive deeper into who are as individuals so that we can dive deeper in relationship? I think it's because we are afraid of what we might find out about ourselves. I know that was the case for me. But I am grateful that I did. I don't want to be stagnant or complacent. I know that if God was the only one that I had relationship with that I would survive. But I believe that God gave us one another for a reason. I keep coming back to Jesus and his disciples. Even with each of them, each relationship was different and on different levels. Everything goes back to Him and how we are to learn from Christ example. Will every relationship I experience be a deep, true relationship? Absolutely not. Do I stop desiring for those kind of relationship? Heck no!! I am still going to strive for those kind of relationships and I believe I will experience them. For those few that I have now, I hold tightly to them. Not so tightly that I smoother and push away, but close enough that my heart knows they are always there. I hope that those who are know that I care deeply for them and am so very grateful for the fact that you understand me (or at least try to). "As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend." Proverbs 27:17 NLT
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I'm not sure what it is about our generation, but I've seen so much of this in my own life that it frustrates me, too. I don't think it helps that we - especially women - get fed this image of having to act a certain way in your friendships if you're "really friends". I can't say I'm incapable of manipulating my character to fit into whatever mold a so-called friend wants for me - I think we're all capable of it - but I gave that up a long time ago because of exactly what you're saying. It's futile, it's at least a partial lie, and it's exhausting.
I'd much rather have a few close relationships where I can be both who I currently am and who I want to be interchangeably. I can't deny my problems, my character or my nature. The way I know who my few real friends are is that they're not offended when I'm my sarcastic, crass, unloving "true" self, but at the same time they encourage me in just the right, quiet, loving way to be more -- and I hope I give that back to them.
I think the hardest thing to do, too, is not to force certain things. I have a relationship that got seriously screwed up by the stupidest, most juvenile of problems, and there were other offenses on both sides, and the relationship is, as far as I can see, entirely beyond reconstruction. But I still love this person like a sister, and I know she still cares about me, even though the trust on both sides was damaged and we can never go back (well, nothing short of a miracle will take us back). I had to learn to let go of the big, relational aspect of our friendship and just tear it down to the lowest common denominator between us - the fact that we both really respect and care about each other. It's been a constant struggle for me, because I miss this person on a daily basis for going on three years now, but having accepted the finality of the relationship, I see how much it's made me understand about people in general.
It's so hard for me - I generally don't like to get close to people, not because of the fear of getting hurt, but just because it seems like such a waste. There are only a few relationships outside of my family that have ever been worth the time and effort I've put into them, that I'm much more satisfied to be alone. I can honestly say that getting to know Kimmy over the course of six years - all slowly, taking our time, and just letting it "happen" - has been one of the few relationships that hasn't disappointed me. We both have some big quirks, but we know about them and we don't get rubbed the wrong way by them.
I'm using Kimmy as an example because she's really one of the few friends I've kept for more than a very short period of time. But I think she's that way for lots of people. Special, that one. ;)
Truth is, though, I wouldn't complain about developing a few more friendships like that one. Even if I don't understand it, I know the Bible teaches the importance of deep friendships. Kimmy and I have never cried on each other's shoulder, I don't recall - we're just not that way - but at the same time I think we both know that it's okay to do so, and not obtrusive, if it's really needed.
It's been great getting to know Kim over the past year or so, and I'm really pleased to be getting insight into your life and what makes you tick, too, through the blogring. Even if I don't comment, I read and think about stuff, just so ya know. ;)
I'll be praying for all of us to let go of our fears and frustrations with people. I think it's one of the basic problems in the church (even the church as it congregates online), and deserves a lot more attention than it gets.
Much love to ya, girl - even though I'm not in exactly the same boat, I know that I need to be willing to love deeply in everything I do.
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